Too beautiful for earth..

Let me setup the background info and begin to tell the story of how we became grieving parents of our second baby, Liberty.

it was the week of june 21st and some funny things began to take place including leaking boobies, immediately I knew I was pregnant since it had been months since I breastfed my oldest son, Honor. The next day or so after suspicion we took a home pregnancy test and got two pink lines on our first shot! (who hoo!) I decided I was barely 4 weeks along, decided to apply for medical coverage and thought I’d wait it out a couple weeks before setting up with the doc. I bought some prenatal vitamins, took them daily and began to dream of baby #2

a few weeks later I setup my first prenatal appt. They were booked up so my first visit was scheduled around my 8th week of pregnancy. We went in, and took routine vitals, confirmed I was pregnant and after 3 hours of waiting for the doc to preform a physical exam I decided the poking me with metal things could wait (yuck, I know) we had other things to do and with a fussy 10 month old on the loose in the docs office, even with my husbands help it was a nightmare. Waiting over 3 hours is not do-able. So I decided next time I setup for a physical, I’ll be sure to have a sitter.

all is well at this point. I’m 8 weeks pregnant, feeling bit nausious but totally normal.we chose the name Liberty and began to tell family and our plans for the future… Including a bigger house, bigger car, more diapers! ..etc

upon calling to reschedule my physical at this particular clinic, they were booked until mid september! I was shocked! Not knowing where else to go, I waited another week (still taking my daily prenatal vitamins, staying away from caffeine an no longer taking asprin) I took care of myself and finally took a reccomendation to go to a new doctors office. I call them and they tell me they can get me in the following week! Fantastic. We set it up. All is well.

last week on august 18, i  head in for my first prenatal visit (toddler-free this time) to  be seen by a new doctor. When we arrive it is quaint and quiet and there are mothers feeding their newborns in the lobby, the perfect place for me, I think. To “ooh and ahh” over babies and sit in the waiting area with new moms. 

at this office we draw blood, take my vitals, pee in cup… You know the deal.  Talk with a mid-wife go over what fish are good which lunch meat is bad etc. Etc. 

then, for the first time I’m excited to hear the babies heartbeat… To finally confirm there is a little life inside me. Only problem is the midwife could not find it. she kept moving it around saying ” I thought I heard movement but I just cant seem to get a good listen” overall she didnt seem too concerned. At this point I am a little over 12 weeks pregnant. She says something to me like ‘because you were pregnant recently, your organs may be in front of your uterus” as a reason to why we couldnt hear a heartbeat. 

Having read 100s of blogs, countless forums and many books, I knew it was normal to not get a good listen on the heart first time around. I was absolutely not concerned. Of course mc crossed my mind but I thought … No way.

the midwife not being concerned reassured me that this was all pretty normal. She setup for a routine ultrasound the following week on august 24 and I was totally excited. Couldnt wait to see its tiny hands and feet and Yes… A heartbeat. I couldnt wait to hear it.

going into the ultra sound was surreal. The technician whom ive never met was quite unusual. She seemed to have a cold or flu coughing on her machine and didnt speak much. Mostly she cleared her throat. When she moved the monitor over my belly, I could see on the screen that my baby was not where she should be developmentally a 13 week old fetus should resemble a super tiny baby with hand and feet and a litle bit of movement. This looked more like a dark mass. I knew something was wrong. I asked the technician “what is the baby measuring?’” then she replied hesitantly” 7wks6days.”

my heart sank. The tech rushed out of the room, told me to wait in the lobby. We waited. And waited. For an hour or more we waited. I knew something was wrong.

the doctor pulled us back in her office. And began to speak “mrs. Miller there is a problem with your ultra sound” my heart sank further into the pit of my stomach. She continued ” your baby is measuring just about 8 weeks and you should be about 13 weeks… And there was no heartbeat” bursting into tears I tremble. Before I can compose myself she continues…” your baby has stopped growing about 4 weeks ago” im terrified, saddened, devistated,confused, depressed. A mix ball of emotions I would never wish upon any mother.

the doc began to tell me of a surgery that had to take place to ensure my safety now that the baby has passed, they must go in and remove her to avoid serious risks.

today was the surgery. I cried to the nurses, I cried to my husband and I cried to God.  Believing their was a reason for all this. I will never forget you Liberty and have come to understand why God might have brought us through this

upon talking with a friend, I believe that He has given me an extra reason to look forward to heaven. Their is no greater gift awaiting me next to the face of jesus than seeing my beautiful whole, healthy, living sweet Liberty for the first time. I love you so much and will see you someday , until then I will think of you day and night. Dreaming of what it will be like to hold you for the first time <3

“An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book…..”Too beautiful for earth”

rest in heaven my love<3