15months old & down came baby from the cradle.

confession #1 : I am a terrible blog-keeper-person.

The reason i wrote nearly every day when i was pregnant was to spare my poor husband from 24/7 baby brain. I wrote my thoughts here, my updates and feelings. It was one of the greatest & most excellent things that I did while pregnant. I enjoy looking back at old posts and remembering how it felt to carry his life in my belly. An incredible journey like that should never go un-recorded somehow & we’ve come a looooong way from baby books!

i want so badly to keep a better record of his milestones & memories but i fill up alot of that on my facebook page and hardly ever copy them over here. Sometimes, though there are events in our life that are totally blog-worthy (in my mind)

Today i write because i want to jot down & remember forever what has taken place these last few days.

Matt, Honor, and i had been traveling over the holidays, had a heck of a time lugging his gifts back home (we even bought a new luggage set to fit it all) . It was a fairly good holiday, everything went well. We saw family, we saw Christmas lights, went to a wedding, a funeral and every event under the sun that we hoped to attend while home. In the rush of things, i felt something strange begin to happen (i blame stress) but it didnt really hit me until we returned home.

When we finally arrived after a long trip, and lots of traveling we tried to return to our normal routine. Mommy got up, and took care of baby while daddy went to work to provide for us. I noticed each morning that on top of extremely painful headaches i was getting more irritated , and so was Honor. 

Whenever i would open the refrigerator to make breakfast or lunch for Honor, he would immediatly start whining. Not, the slight whine. This was different. It was a whine that said “please please please please feed me feed me” Of  course, he knew i WAS going to feed him and i always do. (sometimes i wonder if i OVER feed him!) I began to raise my voice and say “CALM DOWN, YOUR FOOD IS COMING!” Every day this got worse and worse. I was feeling awful. like i was yelling at him for being hungry. On top of that, sometimes he wouldnt finish his meal, or would want something else and i would feel upset.I would try to cook up something different just so he would be satisfied and eat it. I still am struggling with this. Wanting food, not wanting food. GAH! i dont know…i need to do some serious meal planning and stick to it . i just never thought feeding a toddler would be so hard..
 
The other night, i ran myself a hot bath during his late nap and began to pray. I prayed my baby be kept safe, that i could be a better mommy to him. I was feeling so crushed and sad that i was not feeding him right & getting angry at him.I prayed that i could have more energy to keep up with him. I prayed that i could feel that joy that i felt when he was a newborn. That “OH my gosh, i cant believe im a mommy” feeling. My motherly heart had turned cold and i asked for it to  be resoftened into a loving mommy who can do more for her baby. 

So after a long day of feeding troubles i have a hard time getting Honor to sleep on his own. Almost every single night Matt or I hold him in our arms until he doses off. We then take him in his room and he is always always ALWAYS just fine sleeping alone until morning.

Sometimes i try to start a new sleep routine to get him to “self soothe” and fall asleep on his own (for fear of rocking him to sleep at 5 years old) but mostly i fail or he is upset and so we always end up going back to snuggling in mommy & daddys arms at bedtime. 

Well, here is the story:
Last night i set a time limit for rocking baby to sleep. I turned off all the lights, turned of the television. and held Honor in my arms. I told him & myself that we are only going to snuggle for 30 minutes quietly and then i would try to put him in his bed for the night, weather he was asleep or not.

Bad idea.

After 30 minutes of snuggling, i put him(slightly awake) in his bed, covered him up with his blankie, gave him a pacifier, turned and left the room. Instantly, he started crying. I told myself to go back in the room after a couple minutes and try to comfort him. Seconds later i heard the most terrifying sound i’ve ever heard. Like a bowling ball hitting the ground. My baby had fallen.  I knew before i opened his door that we would find him on the ground. I screamed “MATT, MATTT.” tears. instant tears. Matt rushed in and grabbed Honor up from the floor. i knew something was wrong. i cried histerically for a long time. We checked his arms. pushing gently on his limbs and sides.

We could tell from his reactions that his right arm was seriously hurt. We debated what to do, couldnt really make a choice. i called the pediatrician, she suggested i take him in the ER, so i did. The X-rays came back and showed he had a “buckle fracture” in his right wrist bone. Since he was so little, he had to have his whole arm in a cast because anything else he would slip his little arm right out of.
 

so there you have it. my poor boy fell out of his crib, onto the floor and has a full arm cast at 15 months old. needless to say we are switching to a toddler bed, asap. This has been one of the most terrifying events of my life but i’ve found an incredible joy from it. 

Oddly enough, a trip to the emergency and a scary fall has taught me that i AM a good mother, i do care DEEPLY for this child (i already knew these things-but these things remind me) No matter what he eats or doesnt eat, no matter how much he whines & complains i will ALWAYS be willing to protect, provide & find comfort for my baby.

Since we’ve returned from the hospital i’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and joy knowing that no matter what happens i will go to the ends of the earth for this child and even though i may not be “mom of the year” i will try harder each and every day to be a better mommy.

I am still in awe that God could use such a painful experience to teach me a lesson. He is truly amazing.