coming up on 16months

Hi baby,
its your momma here. The one that doesnt let you jump in the pile of clean laundry, the one who doesnt let you climb on the coffee table, the mean mom who doesnt let you pull clean clothes out of the closet. The even meaner mom who doesnt let you play in the refrigerator. I’m the one who scolds you for deliberatly throwing my phone on the ground. 

im sorry for all those things, i really try to let things go if they are doing no harm. But, since your crib incident im terrified you will hurt yourself again. So mommy is extra cautious not to let you play on dangerous things. Other times i get angry, when you tear apart the neatly folded laundry that i’ve  spent time putting away. i’ve sort of given up on the “neatness” of our clean clothes because i want to get it put away quickly, before your little hands get ahold of them.

I think we are getting better in all areas, though. You are sleeping well and going to bed at a “normal” bedtime. You are eating/ drinking well and consuming lots more fruits & veggies. We are sort of ‘weeding out’ fakey foods and trying to replace them with foods of real value.

here is a list of things you are currently eating at 16 months:

• Sweet potatoes (still your favorite)
• mashed potatoes
• (no by-product) beef or chicken hot dogs
• Pears (favorite fruit)
• yogurt
• applesauce
• pea soup
• grilled cheese
• scrambled eggs
• whole wheat toast
• all natural peanut butter toast
• cheerios
• crackers (ritz,ghram,wheat thins, whole grain cheez-its)

The list above is your core meal list, however if we order pizza you really love to eat the breadsticks, if we stop in the food court at the mall you love tortilla roll ups from Tbell. You love McDonald’s fries (i think we’ve gotten mcd’s TWICE in the past 2 months.)

You are drinking whole milk, you’ve been weaned from your bottle for 5 whole months now (Wow!) But, you still call your sippie cup, your ‘baba’. 

You say 4 words:

“da da” (daddy)

“ba ba” (sippie cup)

“woof woof” (doggy)

“rawwwwrrr” (for any lion, monster, or dinosaur)

you are so smart. You know how to “talk on the phone” weather its the house phone, cell phone or even your plastic toy phones. It makes no difference to you, you will call your friends and jibber jabber on any phone shaped device.

You know where your belly button is, you know how to dance and spin, you can clap your hands & give high fives. You are ESPECIALLY good at giving kisses and hugs. you pretend to eat & cook in your play kitchen, you even smack your lips as if your invisible food really tastes wonderful. 

You are really good at taking naps at the same time every day, it makes it wonderful for momma when she is dragging butt in the morning. i know nap time is right around the corner. You nap for 2- 2.5 hours every morning from 12-2ish You eat lunch right when you wake, dinner around 6pm, snack, then bed by 9pm. you have been doing this consistently for a couple weeks now. Im so proud of you.

Each day is getting better and mommy has a lot to work on but you are perfect just the way you are, there is not a single thing i would change about you. I love you so much i cant believe its been 16 months with you in our lives, every bit of the cliche term ‘Time flies’ is true. it DOES fly. it SOARS. Right before your very eyes. i will try harder to cherish every moment more deeply than ever.

Love you more than Life,

momma.

15months old & down came baby from the cradle.

confession #1 : I am a terrible blog-keeper-person.

The reason i wrote nearly every day when i was pregnant was to spare my poor husband from 24/7 baby brain. I wrote my thoughts here, my updates and feelings. It was one of the greatest & most excellent things that I did while pregnant. I enjoy looking back at old posts and remembering how it felt to carry his life in my belly. An incredible journey like that should never go un-recorded somehow & we’ve come a looooong way from baby books!

i want so badly to keep a better record of his milestones & memories but i fill up alot of that on my facebook page and hardly ever copy them over here. Sometimes, though there are events in our life that are totally blog-worthy (in my mind)

Today i write because i want to jot down & remember forever what has taken place these last few days.

Matt, Honor, and i had been traveling over the holidays, had a heck of a time lugging his gifts back home (we even bought a new luggage set to fit it all) . It was a fairly good holiday, everything went well. We saw family, we saw Christmas lights, went to a wedding, a funeral and every event under the sun that we hoped to attend while home. In the rush of things, i felt something strange begin to happen (i blame stress) but it didnt really hit me until we returned home.

When we finally arrived after a long trip, and lots of traveling we tried to return to our normal routine. Mommy got up, and took care of baby while daddy went to work to provide for us. I noticed each morning that on top of extremely painful headaches i was getting more irritated , and so was Honor. 

Whenever i would open the refrigerator to make breakfast or lunch for Honor, he would immediatly start whining. Not, the slight whine. This was different. It was a whine that said “please please please please feed me feed me” Of  course, he knew i WAS going to feed him and i always do. (sometimes i wonder if i OVER feed him!) I began to raise my voice and say “CALM DOWN, YOUR FOOD IS COMING!” Every day this got worse and worse. I was feeling awful. like i was yelling at him for being hungry. On top of that, sometimes he wouldnt finish his meal, or would want something else and i would feel upset.I would try to cook up something different just so he would be satisfied and eat it. I still am struggling with this. Wanting food, not wanting food. GAH! i dont know…i need to do some serious meal planning and stick to it . i just never thought feeding a toddler would be so hard..
 
The other night, i ran myself a hot bath during his late nap and began to pray. I prayed my baby be kept safe, that i could be a better mommy to him. I was feeling so crushed and sad that i was not feeding him right & getting angry at him.I prayed that i could have more energy to keep up with him. I prayed that i could feel that joy that i felt when he was a newborn. That “OH my gosh, i cant believe im a mommy” feeling. My motherly heart had turned cold and i asked for it to  be resoftened into a loving mommy who can do more for her baby. 

So after a long day of feeding troubles i have a hard time getting Honor to sleep on his own. Almost every single night Matt or I hold him in our arms until he doses off. We then take him in his room and he is always always ALWAYS just fine sleeping alone until morning.

Sometimes i try to start a new sleep routine to get him to “self soothe” and fall asleep on his own (for fear of rocking him to sleep at 5 years old) but mostly i fail or he is upset and so we always end up going back to snuggling in mommy & daddys arms at bedtime. 

Well, here is the story:
Last night i set a time limit for rocking baby to sleep. I turned off all the lights, turned of the television. and held Honor in my arms. I told him & myself that we are only going to snuggle for 30 minutes quietly and then i would try to put him in his bed for the night, weather he was asleep or not.

Bad idea.

After 30 minutes of snuggling, i put him(slightly awake) in his bed, covered him up with his blankie, gave him a pacifier, turned and left the room. Instantly, he started crying. I told myself to go back in the room after a couple minutes and try to comfort him. Seconds later i heard the most terrifying sound i’ve ever heard. Like a bowling ball hitting the ground. My baby had fallen.  I knew before i opened his door that we would find him on the ground. I screamed “MATT, MATTT.” tears. instant tears. Matt rushed in and grabbed Honor up from the floor. i knew something was wrong. i cried histerically for a long time. We checked his arms. pushing gently on his limbs and sides.

We could tell from his reactions that his right arm was seriously hurt. We debated what to do, couldnt really make a choice. i called the pediatrician, she suggested i take him in the ER, so i did. The X-rays came back and showed he had a “buckle fracture” in his right wrist bone. Since he was so little, he had to have his whole arm in a cast because anything else he would slip his little arm right out of.
 

so there you have it. my poor boy fell out of his crib, onto the floor and has a full arm cast at 15 months old. needless to say we are switching to a toddler bed, asap. This has been one of the most terrifying events of my life but i’ve found an incredible joy from it. 

Oddly enough, a trip to the emergency and a scary fall has taught me that i AM a good mother, i do care DEEPLY for this child (i already knew these things-but these things remind me) No matter what he eats or doesnt eat, no matter how much he whines & complains i will ALWAYS be willing to protect, provide & find comfort for my baby.

Since we’ve returned from the hospital i’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and joy knowing that no matter what happens i will go to the ends of the earth for this child and even though i may not be “mom of the year” i will try harder each and every day to be a better mommy.

I am still in awe that God could use such a painful experience to teach me a lesson. He is truly amazing. 

5 things that bug me,daily.

I come across some seriously annoying things that really grind my gears..  ya know? i need to get these off my chest.

1) Selling stuff anywhere on the internet for way more than its worth— 500$ for your crappy couch on craigslist that you got as a hand-me-down from your 90 year old grandmother?? 250$ for that ring your ex-BF probably got out of a gumball machine???seriously your sh*t is not worth Gold. you’re lucky if its worth any copper, for that matter. Just throw your crap off a bridge and earn money the old fashioned way— working for it.

2) Kissy Face- WHO THE EFF TOLD YOU THAT IS ATTRACTIVE??? YOU LOOK LIKE A DUCK JUST STOP IT, YOU INSECURE UGLY FAILURE!!!!!!
here is a song dedicated to your awfulness:

http://youtu.be/pT9YI3hAkCY

3) Posting a status every time you go to the gym— we all know you’re lazy just like the rest of us. Just because you got bored, had nothing else to do, so you drove to the gym to sit on an exercise bike for 10 minutes does not do any good for you when you counter act it with 500 liters of alcohol every week you stupid bish. Go ahead and check in to the gym once a month and pretend you’re there every day. You’re still fat.

4) Complaining on facebook about your boredom- When you cannot use the correct spelling for their, there, your or you’re then i suggest you pick up a damn book and stop telling us you’re bored you uneducated fool. 

5) Reaching out to your facebook friends for a job- “whose hiring?” First of all, its spelled ‘who is’. second of all, if you are not friends with employers or job recruiters of any kind, you will likely not get a job through facebook, and IF you do, you will just end up bartending like the rest of them. Learn a new trade, send out resumes and move forward in your life. THats right. im judging. 

our Journey

It all started with an FB chat—led to late nights and long chats. 
Winter nights of snuggling & watching movies.

talks of marriage & family. 

Suddenly, a pregnancy, a wedding & our first little condo.

 the next chapter begins with a move to a new city, a new state, a new place. 

To be continued…

jumbled

Usually when i think about my current circumstance, i make an imaginary “list” of things. For example, whatever is “top priority” i tend to think about most often- or whatever happened most recently tends to consume my thoughts. But, lately everything is sort of blurred. Everything is so important. Everything is so urgent. Everything calls for our attention. 

I’ve never been so humbled in all my life. I’ve never learned so much in all my life, i’ve never experienced such heartache in all my life, i’ve never been this stressed. In spite of it all, though, I’ve never been so drawn to the Lord. I’ve never really completely put my life in his hands. Truly surrendered. 

When you’ve given all you have, and lost all you have you would think that you have no more to give.Yet, Somehow we’ve given more back to God than ever. Somehow even though we have nothing-in the middle of a desert- we are able to GIVE more.

Its amazing to me, that because we’ve lost so much lately.. i feel like we “need” more. That somehow if “this and this” happen that we will be better off. WHO am i to know how i will be “better off”? Im so thankful that i have a husband who leads me back time and time again to focus on the LOrd and what he is doing before our very eyes.

My prayer now is to seek understanding, to seek wisdom, to be able to fully accept where He has brought us and to know where he is guiding us. 

Does anybody hear her?

An update on recent events for those that care to know.

Let me say firstly, that i appreciate friends and family who truly care and are supporting and praying for our family in this rough time.

Long story short- since my last post ive had some complications, was sent to the ER and had to have a second surgery (repeat of the same procedure) to remove more “tissue” (i HATE the term “tissue” by the way, its a nice way of saying “dead fetus” and it makes me sick. Once a baby has passed away in the womb its no longer called a baby.) 

Ok great second surgery is over, ive been recovering for about a week now and no more complications …until last night. We are watching the Republican debate (http://www.ronpaul.com/) when all of a sudden came upon me in my abdomen. “OH great” i think. We wait it out for awhile, and when the pain didnt go away i give my doctor a call. They advise me (ONCE AGAIN) to go to the emergency room. After all the tests come back we hear good news, no infections. The pain was coming from my uterus. “Why?” you ask? They don’t know. Over a week after my second procedure, i have unexplained-can’t be ignored-curled over in a ball-pain that can’t be explained. Thats great. They sent me home with some pain meds and anti biotics “just in case” theres an infection.

Ok great. Here’s the bad news. We are uninsured. thats right. ive got prenatal visits, an ultrasound, two ER visits, two surgerys and expensive perscriptions that are not covered. We’ve seeked coverage. I’ve been dealing with medicaid and the whole story there is for another blog. Nobody is REALLY willing to hear our story in that particular place. The reason for the title today “does anybody hear her” came about when i heard a song called just that, and was feeling that way reguarding our insurance coverage. When we are in real need, nobody really hears us there.

With all the pain and the health issues going on i am still confident that GoD is on our side.

The good news for today? actually, for the month. The glimmer of HOPE this week is Matt is headed to an interview today. I am confident that it will go well. We’ve suffered enough, I really feel like this is a sign of a changing season (not just the weather) for us.

Its amazing what you have to go through sometimes to REALLY appreciate what you have. Thank you Jesus for bringing me through these storms so that i can grow as a person, spirtually, and become stronger. I know that you are FOR us- not against us. You are the Light, THE TRUTH, and The ONLY way. We strive daily to seek You first. Lead us, Guide us, build us as a family. Keep us healthy and strong and give us wisdom and understanding. Thank you Jesus

Too beautiful for earth..

Let me setup the background info and begin to tell the story of how we became grieving parents of our second baby, Liberty.

it was the week of june 21st and some funny things began to take place including leaking boobies, immediately I knew I was pregnant since it had been months since I breastfed my oldest son, Honor. The next day or so after suspicion we took a home pregnancy test and got two pink lines on our first shot! (who hoo!) I decided I was barely 4 weeks along, decided to apply for medical coverage and thought I’d wait it out a couple weeks before setting up with the doc. I bought some prenatal vitamins, took them daily and began to dream of baby #2

a few weeks later I setup my first prenatal appt. They were booked up so my first visit was scheduled around my 8th week of pregnancy. We went in, and took routine vitals, confirmed I was pregnant and after 3 hours of waiting for the doc to preform a physical exam I decided the poking me with metal things could wait (yuck, I know) we had other things to do and with a fussy 10 month old on the loose in the docs office, even with my husbands help it was a nightmare. Waiting over 3 hours is not do-able. So I decided next time I setup for a physical, I’ll be sure to have a sitter.

all is well at this point. I’m 8 weeks pregnant, feeling bit nausious but totally normal.we chose the name Liberty and began to tell family and our plans for the future… Including a bigger house, bigger car, more diapers! ..etc

upon calling to reschedule my physical at this particular clinic, they were booked until mid september! I was shocked! Not knowing where else to go, I waited another week (still taking my daily prenatal vitamins, staying away from caffeine an no longer taking asprin) I took care of myself and finally took a reccomendation to go to a new doctors office. I call them and they tell me they can get me in the following week! Fantastic. We set it up. All is well.

last week on august 18, i  head in for my first prenatal visit (toddler-free this time) to  be seen by a new doctor. When we arrive it is quaint and quiet and there are mothers feeding their newborns in the lobby, the perfect place for me, I think. To “ooh and ahh” over babies and sit in the waiting area with new moms. 

at this office we draw blood, take my vitals, pee in cup… You know the deal.  Talk with a mid-wife go over what fish are good which lunch meat is bad etc. Etc. 

then, for the first time I’m excited to hear the babies heartbeat… To finally confirm there is a little life inside me. Only problem is the midwife could not find it. she kept moving it around saying ” I thought I heard movement but I just cant seem to get a good listen” overall she didnt seem too concerned. At this point I am a little over 12 weeks pregnant. She says something to me like ‘because you were pregnant recently, your organs may be in front of your uterus” as a reason to why we couldnt hear a heartbeat. 

Having read 100s of blogs, countless forums and many books, I knew it was normal to not get a good listen on the heart first time around. I was absolutely not concerned. Of course mc crossed my mind but I thought … No way.

the midwife not being concerned reassured me that this was all pretty normal. She setup for a routine ultrasound the following week on august 24 and I was totally excited. Couldnt wait to see its tiny hands and feet and Yes… A heartbeat. I couldnt wait to hear it.

going into the ultra sound was surreal. The technician whom ive never met was quite unusual. She seemed to have a cold or flu coughing on her machine and didnt speak much. Mostly she cleared her throat. When she moved the monitor over my belly, I could see on the screen that my baby was not where she should be developmentally a 13 week old fetus should resemble a super tiny baby with hand and feet and a litle bit of movement. This looked more like a dark mass. I knew something was wrong. I asked the technician “what is the baby measuring?’” then she replied hesitantly” 7wks6days.”

my heart sank. The tech rushed out of the room, told me to wait in the lobby. We waited. And waited. For an hour or more we waited. I knew something was wrong.

the doctor pulled us back in her office. And began to speak “mrs. Miller there is a problem with your ultra sound” my heart sank further into the pit of my stomach. She continued ” your baby is measuring just about 8 weeks and you should be about 13 weeks… And there was no heartbeat” bursting into tears I tremble. Before I can compose myself she continues…” your baby has stopped growing about 4 weeks ago” im terrified, saddened, devistated,confused, depressed. A mix ball of emotions I would never wish upon any mother.

the doc began to tell me of a surgery that had to take place to ensure my safety now that the baby has passed, they must go in and remove her to avoid serious risks.

today was the surgery. I cried to the nurses, I cried to my husband and I cried to God.  Believing their was a reason for all this. I will never forget you Liberty and have come to understand why God might have brought us through this

upon talking with a friend, I believe that He has given me an extra reason to look forward to heaven. Their is no greater gift awaiting me next to the face of jesus than seeing my beautiful whole, healthy, living sweet Liberty for the first time. I love you so much and will see you someday , until then I will think of you day and night. Dreaming of what it will be like to hold you for the first time <3

“An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book…..”Too beautiful for earth”

rest in heaven my love<3